A TALE OF TWO CUNTS. Current mood: In a mood to kill Drew Barrymore
So, I was watching my 4 th episode of sunny, on my favorite day of the week, thursday, because the office and sunny are on, even though the office sucked cock this week. Oh sad sad day, that is a sentence I never would have imagined saying..I digress...Right after that "Fever Pitch" comes on, my friend told me it was good, so I let it play on. Within 12 minutes, out comes Miss drag out her words herself...Drew Barrymore. It is time I address this head on. I FUCKING HATE DREW BARRYMORE.
Drew Barrymore is a fucking horrid actress, she cannot do any of the following.
1. Act
2. Act
3. Act
4. Not be a stupid cunt.
I hate how she talks, I hate her giant face, I hate how she tries to do this "cute" I am so "quirky" I am so fucking "enigmatic" and "blond" stupid face. I don't give a shit if you are gertie in a 30 year old tight body. You are a giant pan faced nasty bitch, who cannot act worth a shit. The following things are what bothers me the most about her.
1. How she pronounces things. It is as if she moved to another planet, where they taught you to exaggerate the end of every fucking word you say. With this discusting strange "aaaaah" sound.
2. How giant she makes her mouth. You already have a huge craw, why do you have to stretch it to its capacity with every word that comes out of your facial vagina?
3. That she is a "psudo" hippy. You cannot be a hippy just because you wear a fucking daisy on your tshirt whore. Just the fact that you drive a mercedes, and live in 2 million dollars houses already kicks you out of any possible future membership in the hippy club.
4. That she married tom green. You are a cunt.
5. Her performance on SNL when she is in the Hot tub with Will Ferrell and Rachel Dratch. It was a hilarious sketch, genius. Per usual those mentioned above pulled off spectacular performances, and then came miss cavern face herself, with hands down the words english accent I've ever heard in my entire life. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Why even pretend. It was shit and so is your face.
6. That she continues to get work, despire the fact that she is manufactured from pure shit. Why do people still give her work? Because she brings in an audience? RETARDED. she sucks.
Here is an idea. Write a movie, that is all drew barrymore, set up the largest movie theatre of all time, and when every drew barrymore fan from across the fucking continent goes there to see her, you can close the doors, and drop a fucking bomb on it. And while your at it, give them all ebola 3 minutes before the bomb drops, because any brain that loves drew barrymore, should be liquified.
I'm really glad I got that off my chest. Now, I'm off to watch boys on the side, and then put a hole in my face with a 18 inch drill bit.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Causes of anger 2 (the legend of curly's gold)
6. Self Diagnosis.
Yes, I"m talking about you, you fucking retard. And no, you don't have bipolar disorder, or clinical depression, or ADD, ADHD or SIDS.
These are some examples of what I'm talking about:
Example 1 Your hanging out with some gal or guy, and your getting ice cream, they drop the ice cream on the ground, and say, "oh my god, I have to clean that, because I have OCD" Ummmm no you FUCKING DO NOT. First of all, if you had OCD, you most likely wouldn't be able to come out of the house, secondly, OCD is not just random shit that you decide your really keen on doing. It is something you cannot control, it takes over your life, you need to do it to fucking survive. I hate when people say they have OCD for things that any regular human being would do. Yeah, I have OCD to, because I have to wipe my ass after I shit.
Example 2: You are at a really shitty movie with one of your friends, your laying back fantasizing about the guy your going to let fingercuff you later, and then your friend leans over, and says "its really hard for me to watch this, I have ADD." ACTUALLY YOU FUCKING CUNT. You are just bored. We are human beings, we are physiologically designed to work, run, gather, hunt etc.. not sit, loaf,miander,fuck off. Etc..
Quit dignosing yourselfs with depression, you don't have fucking depression, you know what depression is? YOUR LIFE SUCKS. you sit around all day, you eat like shit, your brain cannot function normally because your diet consists of entirely processed foods. So you start to become lethargic, which makes it even worse, you go to your doctor, they tell you, your depressed, you get some fucking medication, and then lay around some more. Great, that solved nothing. You don't have Bi Polar disorder, you just never fucking went to therapy for your uncle molesting you, or for getting raped in elementary school by some old kid, you can't handle it, you stuffed it into your idiot brain, and now its making you act and feel crazy. Your kids don't have ADD, they eat like shit and you never pay attention to them because they are in daycare all day, you don't have OCD your just an attention whore, you don't have IBS, you just have no fucking bacteria in your digestive system, because you live on twinkies and mountain dew. and you don't have SIDS because your not a fucking dead infant.
Also.... YOU DON'T NEED A FUCKING FLU SHOT. GET A BRAIN. AND REALIZE THAT PEOPLE ARE MOTIVATED BY MONEY A LOT MORE THAN THEY ARE BY YOU MISSING A WEEK AT YOUR SHITTY CASHIER JOB.
I have to go, I have acute seasonal depressive obsessive attention deficit syndrome.
Yes, I"m talking about you, you fucking retard. And no, you don't have bipolar disorder, or clinical depression, or ADD, ADHD or SIDS.
These are some examples of what I'm talking about:
Example 1 Your hanging out with some gal or guy, and your getting ice cream, they drop the ice cream on the ground, and say, "oh my god, I have to clean that, because I have OCD" Ummmm no you FUCKING DO NOT. First of all, if you had OCD, you most likely wouldn't be able to come out of the house, secondly, OCD is not just random shit that you decide your really keen on doing. It is something you cannot control, it takes over your life, you need to do it to fucking survive. I hate when people say they have OCD for things that any regular human being would do. Yeah, I have OCD to, because I have to wipe my ass after I shit.
Example 2: You are at a really shitty movie with one of your friends, your laying back fantasizing about the guy your going to let fingercuff you later, and then your friend leans over, and says "its really hard for me to watch this, I have ADD." ACTUALLY YOU FUCKING CUNT. You are just bored. We are human beings, we are physiologically designed to work, run, gather, hunt etc.. not sit, loaf,miander,fuck off. Etc..
Quit dignosing yourselfs with depression, you don't have fucking depression, you know what depression is? YOUR LIFE SUCKS. you sit around all day, you eat like shit, your brain cannot function normally because your diet consists of entirely processed foods. So you start to become lethargic, which makes it even worse, you go to your doctor, they tell you, your depressed, you get some fucking medication, and then lay around some more. Great, that solved nothing. You don't have Bi Polar disorder, you just never fucking went to therapy for your uncle molesting you, or for getting raped in elementary school by some old kid, you can't handle it, you stuffed it into your idiot brain, and now its making you act and feel crazy. Your kids don't have ADD, they eat like shit and you never pay attention to them because they are in daycare all day, you don't have OCD your just an attention whore, you don't have IBS, you just have no fucking bacteria in your digestive system, because you live on twinkies and mountain dew. and you don't have SIDS because your not a fucking dead infant.
Also.... YOU DON'T NEED A FUCKING FLU SHOT. GET A BRAIN. AND REALIZE THAT PEOPLE ARE MOTIVATED BY MONEY A LOT MORE THAN THEY ARE BY YOU MISSING A WEEK AT YOUR SHITTY CASHIER JOB.
I have to go, I have acute seasonal depressive obsessive attention deficit syndrome.
Causes of anger.
1. NOSE PICKER HATERS:
I hate when people see someone picking their nose and say "oh my god, gross, that is so gross, why would you do that?" Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam whore. Everyone picks their nose, everyone itches their butt and smells it and everyone looks at their turds to see if it was as gigantic as it felt. I understand not admitting this, but to chastise others for doing it just to make yourself not feel insane is just retarded. Also, everyone masturbates. yes you do. If you don't. You are miserable. and that is why you are on anti depressants. I go at myself about twice a day, and I'm the happiest little whore I know. So...get off your high horse pick your nose, itch your ass and get out the dildo spanky......Its your coming out party.
2. THAT YOU CAN'T BEAT YOUR KIDS
I hate That "that eye for an eye" doesnt apply to your children. Listen, I don't really want to jack my kid in the face. But sometimes, I really consider it. My 2.5 year old son, has come close to killing me...and I'm not exaggerating. 10 minutes ago, he hit me in the face with a kid baseball bat and jammed my top lip into my teeth. Now I have a gaping hole in my fucking lip, blood on my face...and I can't do anything about it, except what? put him in the corner? Do you have any idea how hard it is not to punt a kid when they are laughing at you right after putting a vortex in your soft palate? he whips shit at me all day, punches me, jumps on my stomach when Im laying on the couch, he has given me a black eye, cut my face open, endless bruises, a sprained ankle and 4 bloody noses..and what does he get? A half an hour with dora and a back rub...I dont think anyone should abuse their child, but I'm not going to quit fantasizing about throwing him off a building when he does shit like that....He is an only child, and a boy, and bored out of his mind. I can only do so much. But if I get a fucking turd wiped on my arm one more time that fucker is getting hung from the cieling fan.
3. HAYLIE "CUNT" DUFF
athough I detest Hillary Duff, nothing could prepare me for the onslaught of hatred when I layed my eyeballs on her big nosed haggish jew sister. She may be the kindest human being in the world, but due to her visage, I want to torture her to the limits of the human soul. She cocks and flips her head in a manner which is reminicient of a whorish idiot jew. Her name is haylie, I think. Not sure, don't care. all I do care about is doing an abortion of every major organ in her torso.
4. KAYNE WEST AND HIS TILT A WHIRL OF BULLSHIT
ok not his persona, but his
obsession with blaming every inconvenience in his life on racism. This guy is a complete dipshit. He has no idea what the fuck he is talking about. I listen to him, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But when he rambles on about constantly being dumped on, and how every single thing he finds to be unjust is due to racism, it makes me want to gold dig his face off with a sand wedge. First off, no one who made millions of dollars being able to do what he loves can complain about anything, it should be a law, a golden rule, it should be above the law. If you make enough money to wipe your ass with 20's then you need to shut your pie hole. I am frustrated with him mostly over two arguments.
A. His famous "george bush doesnt care about black people" shit spewing fest with mike meyers. First off dip shit, those people knew two weeks ahead of time what was going to happen, but they just stayed there, and when the shit hit the fan, and they all got stuck in fucksville, they wanted everyone to come and carry them out. Why do you think they told you to get out in the first place idiot? And second, techincally it is the states job to take care of you, not the president. And in case your eyeballs only see in negro, you should know that more than one color of human being lives there.
B. The VMA's bullshit fest. Why exactly do you think you should perform over anyone else? because your record is number one? Fuck you. Why do you feel so entitled you shit stain? There are officially 2.3 billion hip hop artists on the planet, and you are just one of them..and they are just as annoying as you are.
So, in closing, I would like to say Kanye, to kindly shut the fuck up, and assure you that the reason everyone hates you is not because you are black, but because you are a stupid nigger.
5. IDIOTS VS TELEVISION
When people don't understand/like awesome fucking tv shows. There are a just a few shows on tv, and I know for a fact, with everything I am, if you do not like them or get the genius behind them, that you are a moron, a boring moron. These arent all my favorites, but they are specific enough to weed out idiots. Nothing gets me in the mood for impaling like some self diagnosed elitist telling me how boring curb your enthusiam is. What? are you kidding? nice joke. No seriously. I would rather all the babies die on the planet then have to spend 5 minutes with someone who doesnt "get" why these shows are AMAZING. So, If you by chance, do not like one fucking show on my list. exit yourself from my life...you child rapist dunce.
1. Curb your Enthusiasm
2. Arrested Development
3. The office
4. Flight of the Conchords
5 Extras
6. Aqua teen hunger force
7. Strangers with Candy.
First off, If you dont like the office, your brain needs to be physically removed from your skull, because your a corpse. Second, if you don't get Arrested Develpment, its because your too fucking stupid to appreciate it. 3. fuck you and 4. refer to number 3.
good day.
I hate when people see someone picking their nose and say "oh my god, gross, that is so gross, why would you do that?" Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam whore. Everyone picks their nose, everyone itches their butt and smells it and everyone looks at their turds to see if it was as gigantic as it felt. I understand not admitting this, but to chastise others for doing it just to make yourself not feel insane is just retarded. Also, everyone masturbates. yes you do. If you don't. You are miserable. and that is why you are on anti depressants. I go at myself about twice a day, and I'm the happiest little whore I know. So...get off your high horse pick your nose, itch your ass and get out the dildo spanky......Its your coming out party.
2. THAT YOU CAN'T BEAT YOUR KIDS
I hate That "that eye for an eye" doesnt apply to your children. Listen, I don't really want to jack my kid in the face. But sometimes, I really consider it. My 2.5 year old son, has come close to killing me...and I'm not exaggerating. 10 minutes ago, he hit me in the face with a kid baseball bat and jammed my top lip into my teeth. Now I have a gaping hole in my fucking lip, blood on my face...and I can't do anything about it, except what? put him in the corner? Do you have any idea how hard it is not to punt a kid when they are laughing at you right after putting a vortex in your soft palate? he whips shit at me all day, punches me, jumps on my stomach when Im laying on the couch, he has given me a black eye, cut my face open, endless bruises, a sprained ankle and 4 bloody noses..and what does he get? A half an hour with dora and a back rub...I dont think anyone should abuse their child, but I'm not going to quit fantasizing about throwing him off a building when he does shit like that....He is an only child, and a boy, and bored out of his mind. I can only do so much. But if I get a fucking turd wiped on my arm one more time that fucker is getting hung from the cieling fan.
3. HAYLIE "CUNT" DUFF
athough I detest Hillary Duff, nothing could prepare me for the onslaught of hatred when I layed my eyeballs on her big nosed haggish jew sister. She may be the kindest human being in the world, but due to her visage, I want to torture her to the limits of the human soul. She cocks and flips her head in a manner which is reminicient of a whorish idiot jew. Her name is haylie, I think. Not sure, don't care. all I do care about is doing an abortion of every major organ in her torso.
4. KAYNE WEST AND HIS TILT A WHIRL OF BULLSHIT
ok not his persona, but his
obsession with blaming every inconvenience in his life on racism. This guy is a complete dipshit. He has no idea what the fuck he is talking about. I listen to him, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But when he rambles on about constantly being dumped on, and how every single thing he finds to be unjust is due to racism, it makes me want to gold dig his face off with a sand wedge. First off, no one who made millions of dollars being able to do what he loves can complain about anything, it should be a law, a golden rule, it should be above the law. If you make enough money to wipe your ass with 20's then you need to shut your pie hole. I am frustrated with him mostly over two arguments.
A. His famous "george bush doesnt care about black people" shit spewing fest with mike meyers. First off dip shit, those people knew two weeks ahead of time what was going to happen, but they just stayed there, and when the shit hit the fan, and they all got stuck in fucksville, they wanted everyone to come and carry them out. Why do you think they told you to get out in the first place idiot? And second, techincally it is the states job to take care of you, not the president. And in case your eyeballs only see in negro, you should know that more than one color of human being lives there.
B. The VMA's bullshit fest. Why exactly do you think you should perform over anyone else? because your record is number one? Fuck you. Why do you feel so entitled you shit stain? There are officially 2.3 billion hip hop artists on the planet, and you are just one of them..and they are just as annoying as you are.
So, in closing, I would like to say Kanye, to kindly shut the fuck up, and assure you that the reason everyone hates you is not because you are black, but because you are a stupid nigger.
5. IDIOTS VS TELEVISION
When people don't understand/like awesome fucking tv shows. There are a just a few shows on tv, and I know for a fact, with everything I am, if you do not like them or get the genius behind them, that you are a moron, a boring moron. These arent all my favorites, but they are specific enough to weed out idiots. Nothing gets me in the mood for impaling like some self diagnosed elitist telling me how boring curb your enthusiam is. What? are you kidding? nice joke. No seriously. I would rather all the babies die on the planet then have to spend 5 minutes with someone who doesnt "get" why these shows are AMAZING. So, If you by chance, do not like one fucking show on my list. exit yourself from my life...you child rapist dunce.
1. Curb your Enthusiasm
2. Arrested Development
3. The office
4. Flight of the Conchords
5 Extras
6. Aqua teen hunger force
7. Strangers with Candy.
First off, If you dont like the office, your brain needs to be physically removed from your skull, because your a corpse. Second, if you don't get Arrested Develpment, its because your too fucking stupid to appreciate it. 3. fuck you and 4. refer to number 3.
good day.
My dog eats cock.
I recently bought my dogs treats at mounds. I usually switch up the treats every other week. So, I found this fun little twisty beef chews that I thought would be a bit of fun for the palate of my canines.
They called it "Beef Pizzle" I figured pizzle was a fun way to describe the twisty twirly roller coaster ride-eque shape that they were.
WRONG
fact:
American Heritage Dictionary - Cite This Source .. google_ad_section_start(name=def) -->
..>
piz·zle (p--z'?l) Pronunciation Key ..BOF_HEAD-->n. ..EOF_HEAD--> ..BOF_DEF-->
The penis of an animal, especially a bull.
A whip made from a bull's penis.
Thank you dictionary.com for sharing the knowledge with me, that I am feeding my dogs bull dicks. Stretched out twisted bull dicks. My dogs eat cock. Nice. nice thing to have to be a fact. Who's job is it exactly to cut a bulls cock off? And don't they keep bulls? how are there so many dead bulls that they can make snacks out of their phalices? Are they from bull fights in spain? I really want nothing to do with these beefy peniss anymore.
I spit on you person who twists and bends and then tricks another with cutsey clever names for the horror that is this product. Curse you bull pizzle. curse you to hell.
also, I'd like to address the fact, that bull cock is also used to make whips. uh, whips? Why would you ever ever do that? First off, why do you need a whip? and second, grow some hemp fuck face. Its bad enough to get beaten with a whip, but knowing that it was the semen transfer system for a male vache is just too much to bear.
I'm done with you pizzle.
They called it "Beef Pizzle" I figured pizzle was a fun way to describe the twisty twirly roller coaster ride-eque shape that they were.
WRONG
fact:
American Heritage Dictionary - Cite This Source .. google_ad_section_start(name=def) -->
..>
piz·zle (p--z'?l) Pronunciation Key ..BOF_HEAD-->n. ..EOF_HEAD--> ..BOF_DEF-->
The penis of an animal, especially a bull.
A whip made from a bull's penis.
Thank you dictionary.com for sharing the knowledge with me, that I am feeding my dogs bull dicks. Stretched out twisted bull dicks. My dogs eat cock. Nice. nice thing to have to be a fact. Who's job is it exactly to cut a bulls cock off? And don't they keep bulls? how are there so many dead bulls that they can make snacks out of their phalices? Are they from bull fights in spain? I really want nothing to do with these beefy peniss anymore.
I spit on you person who twists and bends and then tricks another with cutsey clever names for the horror that is this product. Curse you bull pizzle. curse you to hell.
also, I'd like to address the fact, that bull cock is also used to make whips. uh, whips? Why would you ever ever do that? First off, why do you need a whip? and second, grow some hemp fuck face. Its bad enough to get beaten with a whip, but knowing that it was the semen transfer system for a male vache is just too much to bear.
I'm done with you pizzle.
Crushing.
Lora, can you give me an example of a word, that in some instances can be cool, and then when used as a really strange adjective for something else, can be the most putrid of all words?
why yes Lora, I can!!
Lora? What Word?
This word my dear self..is Crushing.
Inevitably in every cock sucking survey people post on myspace, there is a question about "crushing" on someone. Now if I took this question literally, it would sound like this:
Question 21. Is there anyone that you are currently smashing with blunt force, with prefferably a two ton slab of metal, until pressed into an easily discarded pancake?
The answer, unless you are a truly odd and sadistic human being is NO. No question number
21. No, I am not currently smashing anyone with any amount of tonnage.
for some reason, this word also reminds me of fizzy red soda on Ice. But that is neither here nor there.
I think it is really stupid of the word police to allow this to happen any longer. and for that matter, is there a word police? Why not?? I digress...If you want to know the answer to this question, why not just ask if this person has a physical or emotional attraction to someone, that they (the other person) is not aware of? Or how about this:
Question 21. Is there any dude/chick you want to make it with?
Not really clever, but not nearly as heinous as the previous.
Here is an example where crushing is a great word: WHEN SMASHING A CAN. Yeah, thats it. I bet you thought I was going to go on about it, but no, I did not, because smashing a can is awesome. For example, how awesome does the following sentence sound:
"Last night, I was in a fit of recycling rage, and I ended up crushing 200 empty fresca cans with my bare hands, all I have to say is, my paws really took one for the enviroment."
WOW? REALLY? .......I LOVE THE WORD CRUSHING.
But not the way it is currently being tossed about. After aknowleding my previous question, I decided that I am now founding a word police force. I am going to smash the face of anyone who uses this wonderful verb, in a manner in any way other than destroying something.
and for that matter, how exactly does destroying something, translate into having giddy feelings for someone?
You got me survey people. You certainly got me.
why yes Lora, I can!!
Lora? What Word?
This word my dear self..is Crushing.
Inevitably in every cock sucking survey people post on myspace, there is a question about "crushing" on someone. Now if I took this question literally, it would sound like this:
Question 21. Is there anyone that you are currently smashing with blunt force, with prefferably a two ton slab of metal, until pressed into an easily discarded pancake?
The answer, unless you are a truly odd and sadistic human being is NO. No question number
21. No, I am not currently smashing anyone with any amount of tonnage.
for some reason, this word also reminds me of fizzy red soda on Ice. But that is neither here nor there.
I think it is really stupid of the word police to allow this to happen any longer. and for that matter, is there a word police? Why not?? I digress...If you want to know the answer to this question, why not just ask if this person has a physical or emotional attraction to someone, that they (the other person) is not aware of? Or how about this:
Question 21. Is there any dude/chick you want to make it with?
Not really clever, but not nearly as heinous as the previous.
Here is an example where crushing is a great word: WHEN SMASHING A CAN. Yeah, thats it. I bet you thought I was going to go on about it, but no, I did not, because smashing a can is awesome. For example, how awesome does the following sentence sound:
"Last night, I was in a fit of recycling rage, and I ended up crushing 200 empty fresca cans with my bare hands, all I have to say is, my paws really took one for the enviroment."
WOW? REALLY? .......I LOVE THE WORD CRUSHING.
But not the way it is currently being tossed about. After aknowleding my previous question, I decided that I am now founding a word police force. I am going to smash the face of anyone who uses this wonderful verb, in a manner in any way other than destroying something.
and for that matter, how exactly does destroying something, translate into having giddy feelings for someone?
You got me survey people. You certainly got me.
Fuck you fugs.
alright, its about time that I address one of my biggest pet peaves on the planet.
FAUX PURSES (dun dun dun)
nothing erks me more, than some asshole running around with a prado bag.
I was thinking about freaking out about this for a while, but my recent shopping trip online, sent me over the edge. I have been feverishly looking for the coach legacy boot. They stopped selling them just as fast as they made them. Then.. I found some really cute coach hobo bags on some random site, and almost bought them, when I realized the C was a fucking D. what the hell? Whats the point of pretending you can afford something. Your an idiot. that way, your just pretending to be a person with one, Geez, I hate you person.
listen you dumb whore, no one is going to beleive some white trash idiot, wearing a "100 % bitch t-shirt and wrangler jeans, can afford a louis vuitton purse. I don't understand what the point is.
The entire idea, of these bags, is that they are a luxury, a special, very well made, present for yourself. Not just for any idiot to get at a kiosk in the mall. I was at Neimans last year, and was about to buy a really spectacular prada bag, when I was on the phone with my sister, she said " whats the point, everyone has a fake one" and she was right. I have now been forced to use less "copied" bags. I am afraid to even mention marc jacobs for fear that some nasty bitch working at macdonalds will go out and make a replica.
and for that matter. fake ugs or "fugs" as I so kindly call them, make me want to put a fist through your face. There is a reason ugs are so expensive, they are awesome. They last forever, and keep your feet fucking toasty. These nasty cotton stuffed snow boots you buy yourself at walmart to look cool, are giant tan peices of shit.
I'm sure to most of you, this seems stupid, but when you spent almost a thousand dollars on a purse or more, you get really annoyed when you see one exactly like it under the arm of the girl selling you your pintos and cheese.
WORD
FAUX PURSES (dun dun dun)
nothing erks me more, than some asshole running around with a prado bag.
I was thinking about freaking out about this for a while, but my recent shopping trip online, sent me over the edge. I have been feverishly looking for the coach legacy boot. They stopped selling them just as fast as they made them. Then.. I found some really cute coach hobo bags on some random site, and almost bought them, when I realized the C was a fucking D. what the hell? Whats the point of pretending you can afford something. Your an idiot. that way, your just pretending to be a person with one, Geez, I hate you person.
listen you dumb whore, no one is going to beleive some white trash idiot, wearing a "100 % bitch t-shirt and wrangler jeans, can afford a louis vuitton purse. I don't understand what the point is.
The entire idea, of these bags, is that they are a luxury, a special, very well made, present for yourself. Not just for any idiot to get at a kiosk in the mall. I was at Neimans last year, and was about to buy a really spectacular prada bag, when I was on the phone with my sister, she said " whats the point, everyone has a fake one" and she was right. I have now been forced to use less "copied" bags. I am afraid to even mention marc jacobs for fear that some nasty bitch working at macdonalds will go out and make a replica.
and for that matter. fake ugs or "fugs" as I so kindly call them, make me want to put a fist through your face. There is a reason ugs are so expensive, they are awesome. They last forever, and keep your feet fucking toasty. These nasty cotton stuffed snow boots you buy yourself at walmart to look cool, are giant tan peices of shit.
I'm sure to most of you, this seems stupid, but when you spent almost a thousand dollars on a purse or more, you get really annoyed when you see one exactly like it under the arm of the girl selling you your pintos and cheese.
WORD
Time to die Paul.
I hate paul giamatti...am I spelling that incorrect? Is he one of your mentors? Aww boo fucking hoo.
If so, immediately stab yourself in an artery with shard of a smashed "sideways" dvd.
I've always been rather annoyed with his giant face. But tonight, after watching the "illutionist" I will forever cringe at his roundy scruffy stick out eyeball catchers mitt mug.
It wasn't that bad, but at the end. They did this whole "realization" sequence, where his character was going over previous events, and they were all coming together in this grand epiphony. During which, the camera is spinning around him and he starts to open his mouth to reveal this creepy, clown-esque grin on his nasty face.
Honestly, it was supposed to be exciting, but all I felt was nausious and semi terrified. I forgot what I was watching and was convinced it was a version of killer clowns set in the 1900's staring a recently obese Paul Giamatti.
I wanted to lance his head open
Why does he freak out so much? seriously. This guy is geekin out big time. How much coke to do shove in your googly eyes giamatti? In every interview, movie, tv show I've ever seen him in, his always seems as if he is on the verge of a nervous breakdown after drinking 10 gallons of coffee. I'm always suprised when there is no piss stain on his pants after an appearance. Calm down idiot.
Fuck you Paul. You overrated piece of nervosa.
If so, immediately stab yourself in an artery with shard of a smashed "sideways" dvd.
I've always been rather annoyed with his giant face. But tonight, after watching the "illutionist" I will forever cringe at his roundy scruffy stick out eyeball catchers mitt mug.
It wasn't that bad, but at the end. They did this whole "realization" sequence, where his character was going over previous events, and they were all coming together in this grand epiphony. During which, the camera is spinning around him and he starts to open his mouth to reveal this creepy, clown-esque grin on his nasty face.
Honestly, it was supposed to be exciting, but all I felt was nausious and semi terrified. I forgot what I was watching and was convinced it was a version of killer clowns set in the 1900's staring a recently obese Paul Giamatti.
I wanted to lance his head open
Why does he freak out so much? seriously. This guy is geekin out big time. How much coke to do shove in your googly eyes giamatti? In every interview, movie, tv show I've ever seen him in, his always seems as if he is on the verge of a nervous breakdown after drinking 10 gallons of coffee. I'm always suprised when there is no piss stain on his pants after an appearance. Calm down idiot.
Fuck you Paul. You overrated piece of nervosa.
The McBain of my existance.
So..this is the thing...a 8x10 sq ft piece of linoleum is the bain of my existance.
I love cleaning. But I avoid my bathroom floor as if it were coated in a bloody wash of ebola juices. Because...I cannot clean my bathroom floor.
this is what happens...
I sweep the floor. Problem. Hunks of hair and dirtyness that appear from nowhere cling to my broom and just get wiped around on the floor, making it dirtier. I bang my broom on the tub, but they wont come off. so I have to go get gloves on and clean my broom off. Its retarded.
Next. I mop the floor. WRONG. more like next I smear hairballs coated in pubes around on my floor until I get insanly pissed off and whip my mop across the bathroom. Where does this shit come from? and why does it refuse to go along with my attempts to rid myself of it? usually I Just end up quitting and watching passions for an hour until I calm down, or sucking it up and getting on my knees and picking up every single thing with my hands. Even when I do, again. when I start to mop, shit just starts globbing around and makes my floor look like the pube shaving room in prison.
this is bullshit. I hate it. I'm hiring someone to do this from now on. and while she's at it. she can eat my out and change the diaper genie.
I love cleaning. But I avoid my bathroom floor as if it were coated in a bloody wash of ebola juices. Because...I cannot clean my bathroom floor.
this is what happens...
I sweep the floor. Problem. Hunks of hair and dirtyness that appear from nowhere cling to my broom and just get wiped around on the floor, making it dirtier. I bang my broom on the tub, but they wont come off. so I have to go get gloves on and clean my broom off. Its retarded.
Next. I mop the floor. WRONG. more like next I smear hairballs coated in pubes around on my floor until I get insanly pissed off and whip my mop across the bathroom. Where does this shit come from? and why does it refuse to go along with my attempts to rid myself of it? usually I Just end up quitting and watching passions for an hour until I calm down, or sucking it up and getting on my knees and picking up every single thing with my hands. Even when I do, again. when I start to mop, shit just starts globbing around and makes my floor look like the pube shaving room in prison.
this is bullshit. I hate it. I'm hiring someone to do this from now on. and while she's at it. she can eat my out and change the diaper genie.
I hate kids.
It should be legal to kill kids.
ugly, chicklet toothed, chubby, whiney,obnoxious turds of children.
I hate kids.
I can't even count how many times I've fantasized about taking a crow bar to some 5 year olds drive in movie theatre forehead while they whined about the hot wheel they want in the line at the grocery store.
"but I want it mommy"
yeah, well I wanted a vagina that didn't drag on the floor, but we don't all get what we want, do we timmy?
I fucking hate kids.
I realize that this seems strange as I have one, but he is 2 years old, and adorable, and says things like "poop is discusting" and he would be right. But don't get me wrong, if he grows huge teeth and wears fat boy underwear he will get beaten.
I think the children I hate the most, are the ones who think they are talented. Think being the operative word. I guess I hate the parents more, for taking these innocent children with a normal self esteem, and then blowing their psudo cock ego's until they exploded into a blimp sized nauseating blob of self adoration and narcissism.
every single mother, who wants their daughter/son to be famous says this line.
"since they day they were born, they were just special, they can act, and dance and sing. Everyone who hears her/him sing is just shocked at how amazing they are. We have been told by everyone we know, that he/she will be famous. Its going to happen. Its just a matter of when"
really?
Well if thats true than 205 billion people are about to make it into the acting/singing/modeling/dancing industry.
and by "everyone you know" you really mean the 5 obese women at your pta meeting.
idiots.
I want to annihilate half the children on the planet.
I hate little girls who think they are pretty and arent.
If I had a girl, and she was nasty, I would be honest, well maybe not that honest, but I would tell her to pursue something that could get her somewhere, like being funny, or really good at hand jobs. I wouldn't lie to her and tell her she wasn't a perfect understudy for hatchetface.
I hate girls more, little ugly smiley girls who think they can sing. "oh listen to me" she says. Yeah you sound like shit. no, really, really bad. Your voice sounds like a fog horn being pumped through a 12 year olds ugly face.
I am not above saying a kid is talented. Dakota Fanning? she's talented. some black girl on some show I saw once? Very talented singer. I wasn't above saying that. you know what else? the good ones never talk about it. Because there parents were good parents and beat the esteem out of them.
If my son is ever good at anything, I'll flush his head down the toilet until he admits he is good at nothing except wasting space....and then I'll watch his talent bloom. Just like oprah.
ugly, chicklet toothed, chubby, whiney,obnoxious turds of children.
I hate kids.
I can't even count how many times I've fantasized about taking a crow bar to some 5 year olds drive in movie theatre forehead while they whined about the hot wheel they want in the line at the grocery store.
"but I want it mommy"
yeah, well I wanted a vagina that didn't drag on the floor, but we don't all get what we want, do we timmy?
I fucking hate kids.
I realize that this seems strange as I have one, but he is 2 years old, and adorable, and says things like "poop is discusting" and he would be right. But don't get me wrong, if he grows huge teeth and wears fat boy underwear he will get beaten.
I think the children I hate the most, are the ones who think they are talented. Think being the operative word. I guess I hate the parents more, for taking these innocent children with a normal self esteem, and then blowing their psudo cock ego's until they exploded into a blimp sized nauseating blob of self adoration and narcissism.
every single mother, who wants their daughter/son to be famous says this line.
"since they day they were born, they were just special, they can act, and dance and sing. Everyone who hears her/him sing is just shocked at how amazing they are. We have been told by everyone we know, that he/she will be famous. Its going to happen. Its just a matter of when"
really?
Well if thats true than 205 billion people are about to make it into the acting/singing/modeling/dancing industry.
and by "everyone you know" you really mean the 5 obese women at your pta meeting.
idiots.
I want to annihilate half the children on the planet.
I hate little girls who think they are pretty and arent.
If I had a girl, and she was nasty, I would be honest, well maybe not that honest, but I would tell her to pursue something that could get her somewhere, like being funny, or really good at hand jobs. I wouldn't lie to her and tell her she wasn't a perfect understudy for hatchetface.
I hate girls more, little ugly smiley girls who think they can sing. "oh listen to me" she says. Yeah you sound like shit. no, really, really bad. Your voice sounds like a fog horn being pumped through a 12 year olds ugly face.
I am not above saying a kid is talented. Dakota Fanning? she's talented. some black girl on some show I saw once? Very talented singer. I wasn't above saying that. you know what else? the good ones never talk about it. Because there parents were good parents and beat the esteem out of them.
If my son is ever good at anything, I'll flush his head down the toilet until he admits he is good at nothing except wasting space....and then I'll watch his talent bloom. Just like oprah.
Anorexia the diet of the strong.
False: Anorexia doesnt work
True: It does.
and to be honest, its the only thing that ever has worked. I'm not saying, the half an apple a day diet that you have to be on to get on the dr.Phil show. I'm the first one who would admit that being able to point out your entire skeleton is gross. I just mean, starving yourself in a cute way, only to the point that people say "geez eat something" and "don't you want more than those grapes"
all I've ever heard about this wonderful "disease" is how if you eat barely anything, then you will never burn anything, and when you start eating again, you will gain it all back.
WRONG
really? is that how it is mr "facts" Well this so called "disease" that doesnt work, helped me lose 60 pounds in two months, and I felt awesome. Not to mention all the sausage I got because of which. (by sausage I mean intercourse with men)
I am starting a mission, to end the anti anorexia propaganda, which Is most likely just put out there by fat bitches and macdonalds upper management.
fact is, anorexia is our friend, come on, eating isint that much fun, and its gross. Well thats what you have to convince yourself to live on 300 calories a day. You eat barely anything until you lose weight, then eat healthy and normal, work out. Your good.
I know what some of you are saying, "But lora, you did gain it back, you fat load" yes, I did, but not for 3 years, and only because I had a baby. so fuck you you anti anorexia bastard. Your just jealous because you love jelly toast so much, you could never leave it.
I have to go, I'm going to start practicing bulemia too. I figure with the two, I'm set for life.
True: It does.
and to be honest, its the only thing that ever has worked. I'm not saying, the half an apple a day diet that you have to be on to get on the dr.Phil show. I'm the first one who would admit that being able to point out your entire skeleton is gross. I just mean, starving yourself in a cute way, only to the point that people say "geez eat something" and "don't you want more than those grapes"
all I've ever heard about this wonderful "disease" is how if you eat barely anything, then you will never burn anything, and when you start eating again, you will gain it all back.
WRONG
really? is that how it is mr "facts" Well this so called "disease" that doesnt work, helped me lose 60 pounds in two months, and I felt awesome. Not to mention all the sausage I got because of which. (by sausage I mean intercourse with men)
I am starting a mission, to end the anti anorexia propaganda, which Is most likely just put out there by fat bitches and macdonalds upper management.
fact is, anorexia is our friend, come on, eating isint that much fun, and its gross. Well thats what you have to convince yourself to live on 300 calories a day. You eat barely anything until you lose weight, then eat healthy and normal, work out. Your good.
I know what some of you are saying, "But lora, you did gain it back, you fat load" yes, I did, but not for 3 years, and only because I had a baby. so fuck you you anti anorexia bastard. Your just jealous because you love jelly toast so much, you could never leave it.
I have to go, I'm going to start practicing bulemia too. I figure with the two, I'm set for life.
The straw that broke Rachael Ray's back.
Stupid Bitch. For months, almost a year now, Everyday I see Rachel "big face" Ray's mug on everything imaginable. She has a daytime show, she's on Oprah, she has cooking books and cooking video's and a line of cookware at target blah blah blah..... And to be honest its not just the blatant selling out that bothers me, its her, my god I hate her, her with her gigantic mouth, and always waving her stupid arms around. Could she possibly overreact more about some stupid food? We get it rach, its the best f'ing salami sandwich with arugula in the history of the world, but do you need to have a fucking aneurysm over it? Its food you fat fuck, and it shows, you're a tubby bitch..
anyway, I was honestly going to keep my mouth shut, sure she is annoying but who isn't these days and I was just going to roll my eyes silently every time I saw Mick Jagger mouth times a billion on television and go on with my day. But not now, now that would be impossible and this is why: I went to go get a cracker for my two year old at my parents house yesterday, I saw a box of those overly salted by somehow delicious "chicken in a biscuit" crackers. I pull them out of the cupboard and before I can open the damn flap, I see Rachel Ray's Hydrosephalic head covering half the fucking box waving her hands around like she was the one who came up with the recipe for chicken in a biscuit. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? First of all these stupid shitty crackers have been around for about 80 years, how does she have any place to jump on the artificially flavored chicken cracker train? SHE DOESN'T. She is an attention whore, anything that has anything to do with food, she has to be a part of. Maybe if you didn't eat so much your head would shrink to the size of a normal human being you sasquatch bitch.
A good ending to this story is that I found out about a week ago, that her husband has been cheating on her with hookers for 6 years. Even better is that he doesn't screw them, he just pays them to pee on him and mash his face into things. If I was married to someone with a mouth that spanned the vastness of space, I would want my face mushed too.
Bottom line: Rachel Ray is my mortal enemy, and if I see her mug on a box of Marinara flavored tampons, I'm driving to fatville where she lives and choke her to death with a kilbasa.
EAT SHIT RACH!!!! :)
anyway, I was honestly going to keep my mouth shut, sure she is annoying but who isn't these days and I was just going to roll my eyes silently every time I saw Mick Jagger mouth times a billion on television and go on with my day. But not now, now that would be impossible and this is why: I went to go get a cracker for my two year old at my parents house yesterday, I saw a box of those overly salted by somehow delicious "chicken in a biscuit" crackers. I pull them out of the cupboard and before I can open the damn flap, I see Rachel Ray's Hydrosephalic head covering half the fucking box waving her hands around like she was the one who came up with the recipe for chicken in a biscuit. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? First of all these stupid shitty crackers have been around for about 80 years, how does she have any place to jump on the artificially flavored chicken cracker train? SHE DOESN'T. She is an attention whore, anything that has anything to do with food, she has to be a part of. Maybe if you didn't eat so much your head would shrink to the size of a normal human being you sasquatch bitch.
A good ending to this story is that I found out about a week ago, that her husband has been cheating on her with hookers for 6 years. Even better is that he doesn't screw them, he just pays them to pee on him and mash his face into things. If I was married to someone with a mouth that spanned the vastness of space, I would want my face mushed too.
Bottom line: Rachel Ray is my mortal enemy, and if I see her mug on a box of Marinara flavored tampons, I'm driving to fatville where she lives and choke her to death with a kilbasa.
EAT SHIT RACH!!!! :)
Why you are an idiot.
If you are a fan of the song "beautiful" by James Blunt, you are a shit stain and let me tell you why, This lyric: "I don't know if I'll see you again, but we shared a moment that will last till the end" This is the lyrical equivilant of the fucking short bus. This is what went through his giant head when he came up with it. "well shit, I have a great hook, why don't I just take a dump for the rest of the song and get it out there and make money" nice. This song is so fucking predictable I get dry heaves when I listen to it. I literally have to plug my ears when I hear that part of the song because it rapes my brain.And what is the "end" exactly old blunty, the end of the song? the end of the world? or the date of your much anticipated death? either way it is fucking retarded. thats all I have to say about that and speaking of blunts, he should roll up a fatty and get some fucking creative inspiration, either that or get some pussy you metrosexual walking vagina.
Quick pick my foot up your ass.
Before I had kid I used to see these commercials all the time, for paper towels. It is always the same thing, Kid dumps some shit on the floor, mom cleans it up, smiling away. After becoming a mother/ part time housewife. I realize that this is the most bullshit advertising I have ever seen in my life. HAHAHAHA jimmy, did you just dump your entire juice on the floor? thats funny, I'll clean it up my little goofy man. yeaahhhh Listen lady if you have a 7 year old throwing around beverages and making you clean it up your a dipshit and need to be put out of your misery. Who the fuck let's their asshole kids run around and get shit all over? Oh I love the one with the 5 year old darkie that tries watering the linoleum with an entire gallon of milk, awwwwww how cute the black kid can't get the cereal bowl full. If that were my kid, (which is not far off due to my quenchless thirst for african americans) i would fucking drop kick that hershey squirt across the damn kitchen. Oh really? thats funny? how about I take your lego's and shove them up your ass one by one? Who would put up with that? idiots thats who. If your kid shits on you and your house, you need to promptly euthanize them. And thats all I have to say about that.
Randoms.
Random Thoughts
Note: This will be an ever evolving blog, so make sure and check in every once in a while.
I hate the song hotel california. where the hell is this mysterious place of temporary residence and what is so fucking myserious about it. What bothers me more, is how people put it up there with the classics, classic my ass, it doesnt make sense and is pretentious as shit. \
Walnuts look like brains
the Goth are attention whores
Keaton was the best batman hands down, and furthermore, the one with Alicia Silverstone was an abortion of a film
I constantly have battles with inanimate objects. My most recent was the battle with the tub "overflow" drain. the one that starts to suck water out if you fill it up too much. Well I feel like its trying to fuck me out of a good relaxing bath by being loud and all sucky noisy, so I lift my ass out of the water with just one leg and one arm in, until it "thinks" (think being the operative word, pointing out that I truly beleive that this hunk of porcelain and metal is trying to defeat me) that the tub is low enough. sometimes it works, sometimes i have to hoist myself up again, either way, I'm a fucking retard. Honestly, this is a sentence that I said while gritting my teeth staring at thedrain: "oh no, where did all the water go fucker? guess you have to shut the fuck up?" and then, when it works. I honestly sit there with this shit eating grin on my face,like I just defeatedthe hitler of bathtubs in a tete a tete. yeah I'm nuts.
here are some other thingsI constantly battle to the death with:
My car, the motion detector on the garage, the alarm clock, the remote, the baby gate, my shoes, tight t-shirts, the cover on the gas tank, the coffee maker, the blinds, fitted sheets, things "hiding" on the floor of my car,cd's that won't work, and of course the shit stain computer.
when did nelly furtado become a prosititute? I could have sworn she was a credible artist. once again, the corporate star machine proves me wrong
Note: This will be an ever evolving blog, so make sure and check in every once in a while.
I hate the song hotel california. where the hell is this mysterious place of temporary residence and what is so fucking myserious about it. What bothers me more, is how people put it up there with the classics, classic my ass, it doesnt make sense and is pretentious as shit. \
Walnuts look like brains
the Goth are attention whores
Keaton was the best batman hands down, and furthermore, the one with Alicia Silverstone was an abortion of a film
I constantly have battles with inanimate objects. My most recent was the battle with the tub "overflow" drain. the one that starts to suck water out if you fill it up too much. Well I feel like its trying to fuck me out of a good relaxing bath by being loud and all sucky noisy, so I lift my ass out of the water with just one leg and one arm in, until it "thinks" (think being the operative word, pointing out that I truly beleive that this hunk of porcelain and metal is trying to defeat me) that the tub is low enough. sometimes it works, sometimes i have to hoist myself up again, either way, I'm a fucking retard. Honestly, this is a sentence that I said while gritting my teeth staring at thedrain: "oh no, where did all the water go fucker? guess you have to shut the fuck up?" and then, when it works. I honestly sit there with this shit eating grin on my face,like I just defeatedthe hitler of bathtubs in a tete a tete. yeah I'm nuts.
here are some other thingsI constantly battle to the death with:
My car, the motion detector on the garage, the alarm clock, the remote, the baby gate, my shoes, tight t-shirts, the cover on the gas tank, the coffee maker, the blinds, fitted sheets, things "hiding" on the floor of my car,cd's that won't work, and of course the shit stain computer.
when did nelly furtado become a prosititute? I could have sworn she was a credible artist. once again, the corporate star machine proves me wrong
Stop the press.
Tell me I'm dreaming. Smack me in the face and put my head in the toilet. Adult Swim is going to put pee-wee's playhouse back on the air. Never in the history of televised entertainment have I been so excited. are you kidding me? It is as if adult swim decided to air my childhood again. Yes Now i have a reason to get up in the morning. that and to feed my kid. If it werent for those two things, I'd probably just sleep until I died... or wanted to eat something.
Sam eats shit.
No, Literally, My baby eats shit. Any kind of shit actually. His first stint with feces intake was when I was cleaning the rabbit cage and he put some cocoa puff turds in his mouth, then it was on to grabbing his turds when I change his diaper and shoving them in his craw. and now the best of all, the new puppy. He follows the fucking puppy around the house waiting for it take a steaming pile and then scoops it right up and chomps away. Are you fucking kidding me? number of kids I've heard of that eat shit on a daily basis: ZERO. I don't understand. He is so smart, counts to five, knows sign language, can say about nine hundred words. I'd think he was semi-advanced until I remembered this morning when I he came up to me with a mouthful of digested iams. Everytime I change his diaper, I'm thinking.. this is twice processed dog food. Hi, this is my baby, don't mind his breath, it smells like dog shit. Come on, it can't taste good. or can it? Who knows, either way my kid eats shit. and that makes me something. I'm just not sure what. maybe just a mom with a kid who likes to eat shit. oh goody. That'll win me some friends the pta meetings. "Great brownies helen, speaking of which, my toddler eats hiown feces.
and now I can die.
(Note: This will not be translated for the few nerds who aren't cool enough to watch the office, so if you don't understand what I'm talking about, *you can go eat a bowl of dicks)
After two years of wretching in agony waiting for something to happen with Jim and Pam, the clouds break, the sun rises, I can breathe again, and Jim and pam make out. Yes aside from the time austin realized sammy didn't have amnesia, this is the greatest televised moment of my life.
are you fucking kidding me? Roy, who could ever love someone named roy? Roy is the name of a fat kid, or a pirate, not pam beesleys fiance. Choosing Roy over Jim, is like choosing a fat turd over grilled ahi tuna. Jim is sweet and good for you, as where Roy is digested leftovers and smells like shit.
all I know is, if I had to watch one more episode where jim looked longingly through the blinds in the break room onto pam hammering away at her computer, i was going to shatter my skull. how could she not love jim? Oh here comes roy, in his overalls on his way to drink a 40 and watch girls gone wild. FAG.
UGH GOD THE AGONY. I want to cuddle jim, why is he so obssessed with this frizz haired receptionist? doesnt he know a unwed fat mother exists in wisconsin? oh shit, he isint real. Jim is the greatest man in existance. its science folks.
If pam doesnt leave roy for jim. I will cut my legs off and mail them to the writers. If pam ends up marrying roy, I will cease to exist and my life will become one of misery and endless weeping. Jim and Pam are the couple we all hope exists. The obvious soul mate, other half just across the office. Well, maybe I just hope jim exists.
All I have to say is If Jim was real, my last name would be halpurt, and instead of typing this blog, I would be riding his wiener.
After two years of wretching in agony waiting for something to happen with Jim and Pam, the clouds break, the sun rises, I can breathe again, and Jim and pam make out. Yes aside from the time austin realized sammy didn't have amnesia, this is the greatest televised moment of my life.
are you fucking kidding me? Roy, who could ever love someone named roy? Roy is the name of a fat kid, or a pirate, not pam beesleys fiance. Choosing Roy over Jim, is like choosing a fat turd over grilled ahi tuna. Jim is sweet and good for you, as where Roy is digested leftovers and smells like shit.
all I know is, if I had to watch one more episode where jim looked longingly through the blinds in the break room onto pam hammering away at her computer, i was going to shatter my skull. how could she not love jim? Oh here comes roy, in his overalls on his way to drink a 40 and watch girls gone wild. FAG.
UGH GOD THE AGONY. I want to cuddle jim, why is he so obssessed with this frizz haired receptionist? doesnt he know a unwed fat mother exists in wisconsin? oh shit, he isint real. Jim is the greatest man in existance. its science folks.
If pam doesnt leave roy for jim. I will cut my legs off and mail them to the writers. If pam ends up marrying roy, I will cease to exist and my life will become one of misery and endless weeping. Jim and Pam are the couple we all hope exists. The obvious soul mate, other half just across the office. Well, maybe I just hope jim exists.
All I have to say is If Jim was real, my last name would be halpurt, and instead of typing this blog, I would be riding his wiener.
Ortho Tri-Cyclen Blow
What is the deal with the Ortho-Tricyclen Lo pack? The plastic is so hard, I get giant dents in my fingers trying to push my pills through. I don't get it, isint the point to have "easy access" because your a "whore" and don't want to get "prego" Seriously, why don't you just make it out of barbed wire fuck sticks.
About a bra.
So for some time now, I have been (against my better judgement) enduring the pains of a target bra. This might not be so bad aside for the fact I have gigantic F'ing BOOBS. Every girl knows that the only good bra is a vicky's bra, and if you weasle your way out of it for some 12 dollars playtex shit, your going to suffer, and i have been. The breaking point came about three days ago, for a year or so now, I have been grown out of my bra. My tits are like sea monkeys, drop water on them and they expand like all hell. Well my boobs were hanging out all over, the top the bottom the sides, it was like trying to restuff a potato, NOT GONNA HAPPEN. and then the other day, the fucking wire popped out, oh yes, all girls will know this joyous time. your just trotting along and BAM you get a 9 inch fucking wire jammed in the side of your boob. Its always fun getting impaled while filling your gas tank. So standing at pump 9, in 9 degree weather, I ripped my bra off and threw it at the garbage can, I proceded to yell at it. I have this problem trying to get even with inanimate objects, as if getting the last word in will really piss them off. Anyway, I tell the bra, to "eat shit" and "have fun in the fucking garbage " and then I notice some truck driver laughing at me, well he was either laughing at me or staring at my giant now sagging tits.So I Head off to Vicky's, I was measured and to my joy, found out I was about 10 sizes off. nice. she politely mentioned that they only had 4 bra's in the ENTIRE STORE that would fit me. Well needless to say I purchased one and now I am standing proud..............
and really busting out of this wife beater
and really busting out of this wife beater
What is your sign? Fuck you.
So, I'm in the grocery store, aimlessly wandering about the health food isle, when I see some slut I went to school with. I make some comment about feeling lost in the grocery store, and she snaps back with "oh, what sign are you" like finding out what sign I am will decide what kind of garbanzo beans I want. I say capricorn, even though I think astrology is shit. She makes this god awful annoying face, and says "yeah figures" Fuck you figures, god I hate that. Listen you stupid ass , What sign I am has about as much to do with my personality as the midget stocking the hotpockets. Here is a clue, and take this one to the bank. Astrology IS MADE UP.
THE DEFINITION OF ASTROLOGY: Something some fucking fat loafy hippy bitch made up to annoy the shit out of everyone with an i.q. over 50.
How can you think stars and numbers have anything to do with the way your life turns out? Nothing annoys me more than when someone tells you what your future is, just because some distant planet is dry humping another distant planet while some star is dying. Are you kidding me? how can you be so naive?
THINGS THAT DO NOT AFFECT YOUR LIFE:
1. Astrology
THINGS THAT DO AFFECT YOUR LIFE
1. Killing someone
2. Someone killing you
3. fucking someones wife/husband
4. someones wife/husband fucking you
5. Being Molested by your uncle tom
6. watching your little brother burn alive
8. someone force feeding you, your own shit.
9. having sex with a homeless person.
10. driving off a cliff.
If one more person comes up to me and says " your a bitch because you were born the year of the monkey" I will fist them with a crowbar.
THE DEFINITION OF ASTROLOGY: Something some fucking fat loafy hippy bitch made up to annoy the shit out of everyone with an i.q. over 50.
How can you think stars and numbers have anything to do with the way your life turns out? Nothing annoys me more than when someone tells you what your future is, just because some distant planet is dry humping another distant planet while some star is dying. Are you kidding me? how can you be so naive?
THINGS THAT DO NOT AFFECT YOUR LIFE:
1. Astrology
THINGS THAT DO AFFECT YOUR LIFE
1. Killing someone
2. Someone killing you
3. fucking someones wife/husband
4. someones wife/husband fucking you
5. Being Molested by your uncle tom
6. watching your little brother burn alive
8. someone force feeding you, your own shit.
9. having sex with a homeless person.
10. driving off a cliff.
If one more person comes up to me and says " your a bitch because you were born the year of the monkey" I will fist them with a crowbar.
Cool Hand Lover
I have an unhealthy obsession with Paul Newman. I watch cool hand luke about every other day. Albeit a great movie, I just love Paul. I eat his food. I love his orange chocolate chip cookies, and sockarooni spagetti sauce. Food items aside, he is one beautiful human being. I love how he speaks, sees the world. I rarely find myself in a situation I cannot work hard at to rectify, yet here I am. I honestly sit around sometimes and wonder how I can go back in time and meet him or how I can make him younger and unmarried. Honestly, if his wife (god forbid) passed, I would be right there in line. I don't care if the guy is 105 and a sac of old bones. I would want to kiss them. I love paul newman. I feel like we were supposed to meet and fall in love in another lifetime. We are a tragic love story, kept apart by the idea of fame and 3 generations. Seems thats happening to me in every life time. Anyway. I wish I could meet you paul. But in the case I never do and I probably wont. Your a phenomenal actor, a spectacular enviromentalist and you make one hell of a Ranch Sauce. Love you forever.
Lora Jean Newman
Lora Jean Newman
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